Reportcardland (Installment 2)

The introductory paragraphs on the report cards are the most difficult. This is what I really want to say:

H. is such a sweetheart; I just love her. She's such a great student. She's confident in her abilities and generally happy and sweet, with a ready smile for anyone. She has a kind, generous nature. Plus she's really smart.

But here's what I will change it into (I guess, sigh!)

H. is very successful in many areas of school: social, academic, athletic, artistic. She is confident in her abilities. She has a positive attitude, always friendly, kind, and ready with a smile. It is a pleasure to have H. in our class.

Oh, and here's my 10-step procedure on how to successfully write report cards:

1. Don't leave report cards to the last minute.
2. Be sure to vacuum and dust ahead of time, so as to remove unwanted distractions.
3. Do one at a time, with phone calls, computer games, and t.v. breaks in between.
4. Go clothes shopping on your way home from work, so that you can give yourself incentive between report cards, such as rewarding yourself by admiring yourself in a new top and taking off the tags.
5. During report card writing, play loud and raucous music to take the edge off.
6. Scrub the bathtub and toilet. Unscrew the drain plug and use tweezers to pull out the clumps of hair, so as to remove unwanted distractions from report card writing.
7. Absolutely do not plan meals. This will keep you from getting anything done. Order take-out food every night that you are writing report cards.
8. Wash the windows that lead out onto the balcony, so that the handprint and paw-print smears do not distract you from receiving inspiration as you gaze outside.
9. When you are 75% done, reward yourself with some sort of strong substance. It makes the last 5 or 6 a little less painful, and rather jubilant.
10. Don't just fantasize about it, make an appointment for a 2-hour massage for when the report cards are all done.