Reportcardland (Installment 2)

The introductory paragraphs on the report cards are the most difficult. This is what I really want to say:

H. is such a sweetheart; I just love her. She's such a great student. She's confident in her abilities and generally happy and sweet, with a ready smile for anyone. She has a kind, generous nature. Plus she's really smart.

But here's what I will change it into (I guess, sigh!)

H. is very successful in many areas of school: social, academic, athletic, artistic. She is confident in her abilities. She has a positive attitude, always friendly, kind, and ready with a smile. It is a pleasure to have H. in our class.

Oh, and here's my 10-step procedure on how to successfully write report cards:

1. Don't leave report cards to the last minute.
2. Be sure to vacuum and dust ahead of time, so as to remove unwanted distractions.
3. Do one at a time, with phone calls, computer games, and t.v. breaks in between.
4. Go clothes shopping on your way home from work, so that you can give yourself incentive between report cards, such as rewarding yourself by admiring yourself in a new top and taking off the tags.
5. During report card writing, play loud and raucous music to take the edge off.
6. Scrub the bathtub and toilet. Unscrew the drain plug and use tweezers to pull out the clumps of hair, so as to remove unwanted distractions from report card writing.
7. Absolutely do not plan meals. This will keep you from getting anything done. Order take-out food every night that you are writing report cards.
8. Wash the windows that lead out onto the balcony, so that the handprint and paw-print smears do not distract you from receiving inspiration as you gaze outside.
9. When you are 75% done, reward yourself with some sort of strong substance. It makes the last 5 or 6 a little less painful, and rather jubilant.
10. Don't just fantasize about it, make an appointment for a 2-hour massage for when the report cards are all done.

Reportcardland

I am away on a long business trip to Reportcardland. It is grueling, exhausting, and terribly necessary.

I wish I could get everyone's email addresses and record a verbal report card for each kid, send it as an MP3 file. I could rattle off the letter grades and then just speak from the heart without worrying about standard technical language.

But instead here I am piled up, in paperwork that sucks the moisture out of my hands, and in official verbiage that sucks the brains out of my head and onto the computer screen.

To add relief, I do all sorts of strange things. This time, I have been playing all my old Van Halen CDs. It helps take the edge off. I've also been rolling around on my exercise ball (which is my desk chair) on my stomach with my head in my hands and my feet splayed out behind me.

At one point I was bouncing crazily on the ball to "Hot For Teacher" while madly clicking my computer mouse. I really scared one of my cats doing that, and I had to laugh as she ran under the bed for cover but was still showing one-fifth of her body from the back end, thinking herself to be completely concealed.

I've already participated in every procrastination imaginable, and despite this fact, have completed 20 reports. I only have 9 left to get done over the next 3 days. It's quite possible that I may graduate myself from caffeine to gin, now that the end is in sight.